Quantity and Quality...

Why is it so hard to have a good day? Maybe there are more good points than I remember, but I definitely remember the bad parts...where I lose my cool, where I grow so frustrated at the screaming that I become the screamer. When did I become this person? I also wonder, why is it so hard for me to "play" with the kids? We can talk, we cuddle, but I am not very good at "playing." I feel selfish a lot of the time too--rushing through activities, rushing to get them to bed, rushing to get some time to myself. It is hard for me to slow down, to remind myself of the preciousness of the moment, to realize that flour all over the counter is not the end of the world. I need someone to remind me to take some deep breaths. I need someone to put me in time out. I start feeling like it was unfair of me to have had so many children so close together...but then, they enjoy eachother, so hopefully it will be a worthwhile payoff, at least someday?

John is very good at playing. He loses his temper too, and gets frustrated like I do, but he plays better. He comes home and they make forts, they tell stories, they build "booby traps." I feel very happy for the boys that they get this exposure and this relationship with their Daddy, but I also feel a bit jealous of John's ability to do this with them, and the amount of enjoyment they express. I rationalize that when John is home, he really only focuses on the two older boys, so it is a lot easier. He does not have to worry about "the Andrew factor." He also has spent his day locked away in an office somewhere, so he is excited to see his kids and play. I am with them all day and I find it hard to get energized to play in new and creative ways. John is also more energetic and playful by nature I suppose.

Hopefully somewhere within all of the quantity of time I spend with the guys there is some quality! Sometimes I feel very sad that perhaps there is not. I don't know why it is so hard for me to create it.